You are a child. More accurately, you are a child trapped inside the body of a young adult. You have many childlike compulsions and they always seem to result in people calling you a child or questioning your age. As a round number you always claim to be just 2 and a half, as if claiming to be 2 was too little or as if 3 was too old. It is a compulsion of yours to pick arbitrary numbers to emphasize a point. You even have the bad habit of making up statistics, with arbitrary numbers, to further emphasize the same point, which is true about 75% of the time in about 90% of the conversations you have in which the subject matter currently escapes you.
70% of all Americans never leave the country, which is an arbitrary number but probably very accurate. You have left the country exactly 3.5 time, because going to Mexico on a cruise only counts as 0.5. The total time you have spent outside the country equates to 24.2% of your entire existence on earth but your math is severely hindered by your compulsion for arbitrary numbers. The two tenths in the aforementioned statistic about time spent abroad is not even the proper significant digit required of the calculation, which is an arbitrary mathematical function any ways. None the less you are an arbitrary statistic and your choice to write a travel blog (which is a choice that the 30% of Americans that are fortunate enough to travel outside the United States in their lifetime have decided to make 87% of the time, unless they are traveling to Mexico on a cruise) makes you incredibly unique (but it doesn’t).
You are writing a travel blog, or that is what you call it at the least. In reality, if you can call the Internet reality at all, you are simply writing a blog about your life, despite the fact that the conclusion of all this writing is only so you can increase and arbitrary number from 3.5 to 4.5. You have a hunch that, because you are writing the entire blog in the second [point five] person (which was an arbitrary choice of a number between one and three) people will read your blog when in reality (the real reality, not the internet’s poor excuse for a reality) your own mother is probably the most avid reader and your friends even only read it 20% of the time. And in spite of this realization you shamelessly whore out your Internet pen name to get readership. It would probably be in the best interest of 70% of Americans to read your blog and fantasize about leaving the United States though 65% of those readers will think your blog is overindulgent, poorly written garbage. Those are the same people who sheepishly followed your whore of an internet pen name to your blog, they probably have some kind of digital STD at this point but who cares if anyone’s Internet persona is slowly dying of AIDS or whatever.
If your Internet pen name had an STD you would imagine it having syphilis, not HIV. Syphilis just sounds messier than AIDS or HIV, physiologically speaking, but you really have no idea because you don’t have either, maybe your internet persona could enlighten you a little. Either way you determine that there is a probability of 23% that your Internet persona has exactly one STD and given that, there is a 100% chance of at least having infected your friends’ Internet personas with digital syphilis, obviously resulting in your Internet persona being the hottest thing since exercise DVDs from the 80′s when they had their come back in the early 2000′s. You imagine your whore of a persona making the obligatory phone calls to the people it has fucked after the results have come in. The thought is kind of hilarious since your Internet persona is just 2.5 years old, but that isn’t funny is it?
At this point in the first post of your travel blog about life most of your readers will have stopped reading because they don’t have the correct childishly mature sense of humor to read any more of this shit. They are losers with digital STDs, don’t worry about them, they will be back after I make the phone calls. So this is my life then, or your life, which is hilarious 666% of the time and just kind of like everyone else the rest of the damn time. Enjoy it while you can because there is now a 22.85% chance you have fatal digital syphilis.
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