Creeply

College is supposed to be the best time of some one’s life. Unfortunately its a lie. The experience is full of reality checks and full of becoming part of the real world. I am at  a point in my life where I cannot let my dream escape me for the sake of my mental health. My ultimate goal in life is to experience the world, starting with Japan. I want to go and just be away from America. I am tired of this life. I am an explorer. It is in my blood to escape.

Escape. I stick by life’s view. I stick by my life’s goal. I will escape. I will escape from this industrial madness. I will escape from this language, this culture, this lifestyle, this underachievement, this torture, this America. I will rewrite the American dream. To those of you destined to become housewives, destined to be politicians, destined to be suburban community lovers, destined to be helicopter parents, destined to be coffee drinkers, destined to be xenophobic, and destined to settle for less; this is for you.

I have grown up in middle class America, arguable upper class. I have discovered that in the United States it is impossible to have feelings of your own. To move through this society you have to keep no secrets. It is seen everywhere. In order to get by on the bare minimum you must be everyone. This leaves no room for self. I dream of a place where seclusion is widely accepted, where feelings are allowed to be kept inside, and where everyone recognizes the hidden aspect of others as private. The only culture in the  world that entertains this non-conforming absurdest lifestyle is the one I love with great passion, Japan.

I cannot lose sight of that. I need to keep motivated to keep moving, to keep my sights on Japan. I will end there, no doubt. Just now, there is significant doubt in my life. My abilities are curtailed by my want for the American stereotype. As much I can notice through meta thinking, the need to fulfill the American prophecy, I must escape. I know a relationship is impossible in the midst of this escape but yet I long so much for it. After all, it is a basic human need. The girl I like will never like me back, I am convinced. At this point the only relationship I can be involved in is one where the woman would be willing to go with me, to share my dreams of another world. I am close with this one, unfortunately I need a woman who is motivated in her own sense. She is motivated yet motivated in a direction I am not. I need to be in Japan as soon as possible and well, she is beyond that. To her, experiencing the world is through herself. I need to escape to find the world that has been hiding beneath me for what seems like a lifetime now. The endless search for a life partner continues. If only biology could step off me for a while just so I can achieve my dreams first. Maybe I’m supposed to let it get complicated and do everything at once.

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